The Rant of D's Lefthand
by Agar
Summary: Well, it’s exactly what it sounds like. It a continuation of the conversation D has with his hand after Dorris throws her wet, naked body at him and he says “NO!


Title: The Rant of DÕs Left Hand   
Author: Agar   
Fandom: Vampire Hunter D   
Genre: Humor   
Rating: PG-13 for crude humor, implied homosexuality, language, suggestive dialog, and a talking hand.   
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Summary: Well, itÕs exactly what it sounds like. It a continuation of the conversation D has with his hand after Dorris throws her wet, naked body at him and he says ÒNO!"  
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Disclaimer: I do not own D, Dorris, Symbiote, or the plot to VHD, but I would like to think the conversation is mostly mine, but somehow I think that lawyers would steal that, too...   
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Archive: Sure, but contact me at bloodofarda@yahoo.com either before or after youÕve posted it (I like to keep tabs on where stuff is). I check my e-mail once a blue moon, so donÕt be surprised if I donÕt reply until WEEKS later. If you get tired of waiting go ahead and post it.   
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AuthorÕs Notes: This was the result of talking to my friend, Moon Lady, on the phone. We come up with some pretty messed up shit... This is un-betaed, so I tried my best to fix all the mistakes.  
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WARNINGS: Pervertedness because the Left Hand strikes me as the dirty type... Yaoi jokes ahoy!   
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The couch was cold, even with his many layers of clothing and the heavy traveling cloak draped over his body. He hardly noticed such insignificant things while on the road, but being in this house, lying on the soft furniture, somehow made him more sensitive to small annoyances. The way his belt buckle would dig into his stomach, for instance; in the dark, cold winter nights spent beneath the stars without even a fire for warmth, he was numb, both literally and figuratively, to all but watching for enemies. He had no time for any real comfort.   
And here, in this tiny village, it had all but been thrown at him.  
He was still a stranger; that hadnÕt changed. But he had a roof over his head and food on the table, which was more than could be said most of the time. He felt almost as if he was taking advantage of DorrisÕ hospitality, using her infatuation with him as leverage to get what he wanted. Yet he had refused her, even when his vampire nature had screamed for her sweet blood, only a breath away from his elongating fangs...  
He rolled over onto his side and tried to shake the rising desire away. The incident was still fresh in his mind, and the smell of her blood and arousal mingling in the air lingered in his memory.  
ÒWhy?"  
D looked down at his left hand where his symbiote had made itÕs appearance. The small, wrinkled face glared up at him.   
Ò*Why* canÕt you give into your instinct?"  
D didnÕt answer, but the image of Dorris, dead on the floor, in a pool of her own blood spoke enough for him. The clarity of the crimson liquid and vacant eyes was frightening...  
But the symbiote ignored the mental image and continued. ÒIs your blood that cursed? You couldnÕt even grant her wish! You call yourself a dhampire?! Why, your father was-"  
DÕs eyes flashed in the darkness. ÒShut up!"  
The symbiote fell silent, realizing that D was rather fragile at the moment. It knew the stoic hunter well enough to read his cryptic body language and decipher the inflections in his voice. ÒOh brother," it mumbled. ÒWhat will I do with you D?" Suddenly it had an idea, and sent an image of curling DÕs hand into a fist and hitting him on the head repetitively. The slight upturn of DÕs lips told the symbiote it was on the right track.  
ÒYeah, maybe I could knock some sense into that thick skull of yours. Show you the light, eh?" It chuckled. ÒI mean come on, D! She was right there in front of you! *She* wanted it, *you* wanted it!"  
Ò..."  
The symbiote sighed. Ò...But youÕre not going to listen to me, are you? I should have known.  
ÒYou are your own worst enemy, you do realize this. You hurt yourself so much, D. You deny yourself the happiness you deserve more than anyone."  
ÒIÕm a *monster*," D said, and the self loathing in his statement was painful to hear.  
ÒNo, youÕre not," the symbiote hastened to say, trying its best to reassure its companion. ÒIf that were true, you wouldnÕt have stopped."  
The dhampireÕs cobalt eyes swam with pain and the despair that threatened to over come him. ÒThat doesnÕt change what I am."  
Ò...I think thatÕs more important then any kind of blood."  
D didnÕt answer.  
The symbiote coughed. ÒSo...no sex then?"  
Ò..."  
ÒWell, thatÕs just lovely. Not even a good grope?"  
Ò..."  
ÒHow about a kiss?"  
Ò..."   
ÒNot even if it didnÕt have tongue?"  
ÒShut up."  
ÒNo, IÕm not going to shut up! This is important to both of us! How do you expect to function properly if you canÕt even control your libido?! YouÕre sexual tension is off the scale, D. You canÕt just keep bottling all this up and hoping it will go away."  
ÒWhat would you have me do?" A faint growl was behind DÕs words, but the symbiote ignored it.  
ÒAnything! Go bar hopping in some sleazy town, visit a whore house, hell, use your other *hand*, but stop this denial of your sexuality!"  
D shook his head. ÒWhat if I hurt someone? Or if the bloodlust took over? I wonÕt risk a human life for my own gratification."  
ÒYou may end up risking a lot more than a life if you donÕt do something."  
ÒShut up."  
ÒOh, you donÕt want to hear it?" the symbiote mocked. ÒFace it, D: you need a lay. Badly. YouÕre deprived and desperate.  
ÒYou can just see it now, canÕt you? Some beautiful whore spread out for you, smooth creamy skin and flushed cheeks. Long silky hair and pert breasts. SheÕd welcome you with more than open arms, D."  
ÒYouÕve gone to far."  
ÒNot nearly far enough. But I will say this: You have impressed me. I thought you would have given in a long time ago, but youÕre a stubborn bastard."  
Then a though occurred to it. ÒI think more than just your blood is holding you back. I know you have phenomenal control, but there must be more to it than just that. Maybe youÕre *scared* because youÕve never done ÒIt" before," it snickered.  
ÒHow would you like it if I staple your mouth shut?"  
ÒEmpty threats. Heh, the Virgin Vampire Hunter. Has a nice ring to it, doesnÕt it? What, afraid of a beautiful woman? That you wonÕt know how to make it good? Or maybe you donÕt even swing that way..."  
D frowned, clearly missing something in the conversation. ÒWhat?"  
The symbiote grinned impishly. ÒThatÕs it, isnÕt it? You like men."  
A blush colored the preternaturally pale skin. ÒI am *not* inclined towards males, thank you!"  
ÒAh, but it all becomes clear now! The woman throwing themselves at you, your steady refusal. You may like warm bodies, but they arenÕt enough to tempt you. Doe eyes and wet cunts doesnÕt make your blood boil."  
The blush deepened at the coarse language and the blue eyes widened a bit. ÒThatÕs none of your business!"  
ÒNo, youÕre a poof," the symbiote continued. ÒYou would rather have some sweet thing with a nice cock and a tight ass. All lean lines and hard angles. Panting a little bit."  
The Dhampire inhaled sharply and his right hand twitched, but if to reach for his sword or something else the symbiote didnÕt know.  
ÒOh, but wait!" It was on a roll. ÒMaybe you want someone to take control for you. Someone tall and handsome, who could pin you down and have his dirty way with you." The symbiote licked its lips. ÒAnd youÕd *love* it, the feel of him pounding into you, his hands gripping your shoulders. YouÕd lose control and scream for more."  
D was furious. ÒIf you say *one more*-"  
ÒAnd DONÕT tell me IÕm not getting to you, because the tent in your pants doesnÕt lie."  
D looked down past his stomach and was ashamed that he found the conversation arousing, if the throbbing between his legs was any indication. Already the heat pooling in his groin was calling for a gentle touch.  
The symbiote realized that D was tempted. ÒDonÕt even think about while *IÕm* still here."  
ÒBe glad IÕm not left handed."  
ÒYou know, I was afraid youÕd say that..."  
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*END*  
Well, I thought it was funny... Review and I'll do a scene from VHD: Bloodlust! 


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